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Longing and Acceptance


I love technology!  Love it I tell you!  It still amazes me how far it’s come and how far it can go.  I love learning about new tech inventions and gadgets and I love those gorgeous nerdy tech head kids that work in electronics shops.  If you can find one who is passionate about their gadgets and good on customer service and happy to show you what they’re passionate about without patronising you you can learn so much from them.  Sometimes I go to those shops and pretend to be buying something just to get an updated lesson in what’s what and what’s new and how it’s better, faster or more powerful than what I’ve already got.

Today I love technology because it has allowed me to sit in my holiday rental flat in Christchurch and search and apply for jobs in Sydney.  I know it sounds so everyday now and so ‘yeah whatever’ but think about it!  I don’t live here, now don’t intend to, I don’t have a phone line here, yet I can with the technology available now, rock up to a foreign country with my laptop and for $50 I have a little thingamy that I plug into the side of my laptop and Voila!  Internet access without the need of an internet café or a phone line or having to commit to any contracts or terms.  It’s awesome.

I found a job today that I didn’t think existed – Tour Manager!  That’s what I do.  I didn’t think there were any out there  but I’m in luck hopefully and it’s a Tour Manager touring things for school kids, and it has nothing to do with my previous field of employment.  Of course I applied for it and a few others.

No I didn’t spend the whole day in the flat, as tempting as it was to wallow in self-pity and tears, no one wants to see someone in tears on the street they don’t cope with it.  I decided to go out and drive off the map, turn off the GPS and pick a road and a direction and just drive for a few hours and explore.  I found a beautiful Chocolatier, Cafe, Restaurant in a place called Governor’s Bay and stopped for a bit.  I was going to order a coffee and then looked at the hot chocolate menu and thought  ‘I don’t drink hot chocolate all that often, why not?  I’m in a chocolate shop so when in Rome.’  I ordered myself a ginger hot chocolate and saw a home-made gnocchi with chicken, mushrooms and leeks on the menu and thought that would be great too.  The hot chocolate arrived with whipped cream on top – yum!  Then the gnocchi arrived and it was in a cream sauce which I hadn’t read on the menu but thought Yum!

Deutsch: Becher Kakao mit Sahnehäubchen und Ka...

Deutsch: Becher Kakao mit Sahnehäubchen und Kakaopulver English: cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and cocoa powder (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now you would think that by the age of 38 I would remember that I am lactose intolerant (quite severely so) and especially with cream and milk, well you’d be wrong!  I now remember why I don’t drink hot or iced chocolates – they’re made on milk, lots of it and my tummy doesn’t like milk at all in fact it has a rejection turn around of about 20 minutes and it’s not fussy about how it rejects it so long as it’s outta there.

Driving through beautiful ocean and mountain scenery on a windy country road, desperate for a public toilet is not the best way to enjoy the scenery but it certainly takes your mind of any other concerns that you might have had I can assure you.  It worked for a time but after relief was found it was back to driving a windy, scenic ocean to mountain road through tears.  Honestly it’s a wonder I didn’t go off the road, I did get overtaken a lot.

With variations around every bend it’s hard to concentrate on the road.

Grief is a powerful and very personal thing, most of us experience it in our lifetimes and can sympathise with others going through it but the one thing we can’t do is fix it or make it better for someone going through it, it’s a personal journey and you know I think that is sometimes what makes it so much harder, when you know that you’re all on your own with it, no one can make it better for you or stop the hurt but all you want is for someone to make it stop or tell you what to do to make it better.

Imagine just when you found something like nothing you’d ever had before and suddenly what everyone was going on about made sense and for the first time you knew what they were all talking about – it’s gone, ripped out from under you, you can’t have it.  Suck it up and get over it cause that’s what you can’t have, now go back to pretending it doesn’t exist.  It’s a battle between longing and acceptance, and you know sometimes ignorance truly is bliss but once you’ve been enlightened it’s too late you can never go back to not knowing.  I wish I could go back to not knowing.

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