I read a few chapters of the book ‘Hes’ Just Not That Into You’ in a book store the other day, you know when you read a few pages skip a few dozen read a few more to see what a book is like. I have to say book stores here just aren’t as into you hanging around wasting your day reading books in them instead of actually buying them, the sales assistant came to me and asked if I was alright after standing at the shelf reading for about 20 minutes. They don’t provide seating of any kind let alone comfy bay window boxes, it did occur to me that this could be the reason that they are still open when so many in Australia are closing and taking their coffee shops and comfy armchairs with them.
Anyway back to the point, I didn’t buy the book but I may when I get home. It did get me thinking though about what I’m doing here and that maybe I should just take a hint and figure out ‘He’s just not that into me’. Well ‘He’ phoned tonight and after days of refraining from sending him emails to ask what on earth he is thinking or feeling and what his intentions are I decided on the phone that I had to know so went about asking by putting forward what I’ve been feeling from him. Coming to the realisation that I’ve been getting nothing but complete silence when I broach anything beyond the weather or any similarly benign topic and the harsh reality that I’ve been kidding myself. I suggested to him that he’s just not that into me – silence! Ahhh I had it!
Well I promised to try not to turn into a bleeding heart on here so I’ll stop there. I’m sure that anyone whose dated more than once will know what I’m talking about.
My next harsh reality – being honest enough with myself to admit that moving here is more about him than I was letting on. I did actually admit this to him too. It’s why I’ve been turning myself inside out asking ‘What am I doing?’ every morning while I’m here and getting upset and wanting reassurance specifically from him that what I’m doing will all work out. Seriously who was I kidding?
I have decided not to move to Christchurch. Now that I’ve decided that I actually feel a sense of relief of sorts as I don’t have to solve all these problems that I was creating for myself in the form of finding a new home, immigrating with a cat, finding out about a new city………
It has it’s downsides though in that now I am in this situation where I don’t actually want to be anywhere – I’m over it. Now don’t go jumping to doom and gloom conclusions!!!!! I’ve felt this way most of my life – I’m not interested in it truly not a lot does it for me and I can’t see a lot of point to the whole fiasco called life but I go along with it in the vain hope that it will eventually surprise me. Often I can get carried away enough with what others are doing to ride on their joy, excitement and enthralment but truly my motto and favourite sayings are ‘Stop the world I want to get off’ or ‘I’m over this planet’. I thought I might grow out of it but evidently that hasn’t happened yet. Someone asked me the other night if I had any interests or hobbies that she could recommend groups to join here in Christchurch, I looked at her like a deer caught in headlights thinking shit you’ve caught me out, I’m a fraud, I’m not human I’m not interested in any of it. I replied ‘No I don’t’ she looked uncomfortable, a little concerned and scared and changed the subject quickly.
So here I am ripped out by the roots with no new pot ready to transplant into. That’s ok though I think I can fit back into my old one with the few things that I’ve thrown out both physically and metaphorically. I think my friends will forgive and understand me for my indecisions and not take it personally when I talk about not being interested in the world. I hope that they are all aware that it’s not them that I’m not interested in, quite the opposite actually it is them that gives me something to be interested in. Other people seem to have this life thing so down pat and I find that somewhat interesting and intriguing.
Now to wait out the next two days of this trip in Christchurch and then get back to Sydney, go see The Specialswith my bestie on the weekend and find a new job, get on with life. Simple really!
- The wizard of New Zealand aka Wizard of Christchurch (wizardgifts.wordpress.com)