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One Fear illustration from Book of Fears

One Fear illustration from Book of Fears (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve had a day of ups and downs and confronting myself and comforting myself.  I’ve also had a day in which like it or not I’ve been delivered the advice I’ve needed to find.  The best of which was a quote I found in an awesome looking journal that were I not at present voluntarily unemployed I probably wouldn’t have hesitated to buy myself.  The journal – giving a plug here – is called ‘101 Dreams’ and was in Kiki K the stationery shop and no I didn’t buy it.  The quote –

“Everything that I’ve ever done that was ultimately worthwhile – initially scared me to death.”  Betty Bender.

I don’t currently know who Betty Bender is but rest assured I will Google her when I finish what is my first ever blog entry.

I am now feeling more of a sense of surrender at my circumstances and have made some choices to embrace my fear and continue to live with it a bit longer.  It does overcome me at times but that’s ok because as uncomfortable as it is it won’t kill me and you know if it does then well it shouldn’t bother me any more once it does so either way is a win really.

All this talk and not getting to the point!  Who am I and what the hell am I writing about already?

I’m a woman on a path to totally change my life, right down to the country I live in, all on my own.  My catalyst was a man who (yes it’s a cliché I know) broke my heart.  Dont’ worry I’ll try not to become a bleeding heart on here.  Anyway sometimes it takes a very big shake up to make you take a look at what you’re doing and where you’re at in your life and ask What AM I doing?  Where is my life going?  And when did I stop giving a shit about it and just sit in the back seat?  So I’ve decided it’s time for my Mid-Life Crisis.  I’ve quit my job of 8 years and I am at present house-hunting and job-hunting in a foreign country.

Well the foreign country is NZ and I’m an Aussie so it’s kinda cheating really but technically it’s a foreign country.

Today started out as a bad day, with the voice in the back of my head screaming at me “What the hell are you doing?  You don’t want to do this?  This won’t be easy don’t do it?  This is a mistake, it’s not too late to change your mind?  Your friends will understand, they won’t judge you if you do………….”  So I sat with that for a bit this morning, cried a bit, questioned a lot of my motives and options.  One thing I kept asking myself was “If not this and here, then what and where?  Do I want to just go back to everything as it is / was?  Do I want to just change my job and stay living where I am, doing what I do there when not working?”  The answers to those questions were in order “I don’t know.  No. and No.”  So now I feel like I’ve pulled myself out at the roots but don’t know where to replant myself.  I know that I’ve out grown my last ‘pot’ though and I don’t want to go back there at the moment.

So what do I do, log into Facebook of course!  Doesn’t everyone?  I found a post from a site that I subscribe to called Tiny Buddha about how we fight change as a basic human instinct and how it can undermine our efforts to do things that are healthy for us.  Reading this helped me to realise that it really is just old-fashioned fear of change and uncertainty that I’m battling.  Fear I can handle when I know where it’s coming from.  I learnt long ago that the fear of something is always worse than the object / topic of the fear itself.  It saddens me to know that some people never confront their fears to learn this as it is such an empowering lesson to learn how to face / confront your fears and to get past them.  True they are always terrifying until you get past them and then you wonder what you were ever afraid of.

10.000 tiny buddhas

10.000 tiny buddhas (Photo credit: mararie)

The same site of Tiny Buddha words of wisdom had a post about being kind to yourself.  Yes I know I needed reminding of all of this today my brain was not helping.  Making an effort to get out of the place I’m staying in and ‘be kind to myself’, I took myself off to see a movie – The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  This became the source of the next quote today that rang true with where I am at:-

“It will all be okay in the end and if it isn’t okay, then it’s not the end.” – Paola Coelho

I then had the brain wave to do something totally self-indulgent and start a blog.  Who knows how long I’ll keep it up for but for now I’ve started.  I’m not sure if I want people to read it or not now truth be told.  For now it is what it is and we’ll see where it goes.


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